6*13*14 [allen]

8*29*12 [massanelli]

oh what a special session!   meet baby august: a delicate, beautiful miracle wrapped in a blanket, wrapped in waiting arms, wrapped in love. i call him a miracle, even though i think the term is tossed about a little too haphazardly these days. i know i use it quite a bit.  for example, "it's a miracle - ruthie's not picking her nose in this picture!" or, "lucy slept past 6:15 on a saturday - what a miracle!"   the overuse tends to dilute the significance of the true definition: "such an event, manifesting or considered as a work of God; a wonder; a marvel". however, i believe adoption is nothing short of a miracle in the truest sense of the word.  i know from my experiences that adoption is a swirling world of heart-wrenching decisions, leaps of faith on both sides that can only truly be understood  by the initiated, countless tears of sorrow & elation, and hours upon hours of wait & worry.  but the second my lucy was placed in my arms for the first time seven years ago, all of that melted away.  upon first glimpse,  she belonged to me,  as i did to her.  always & forever.  and so it was three and a half years later with my ruthie.  they were both created for my family, just as august was made for his. here is a family of THREE. a work of God; a wonder; a marvel.  in a word, a miracle...

cover girls!

Did you know that November is national adoption awareness month? If you've ever read my blog posts, you may have noticed that the wonderful world of adoption is one of my all-time favorite topics. My husband and I are often asked by hesitant couples to share our adoption story. And if just one family finds a single glimmer of hope in hearing our story, then our goal has been accomplished.

I was so honored when the director of Crisis Pregnancy Outreach, Cheryl Bauman, requested a recent picture of my Lulu and Roo for their Fall newsletter cover. As you might guess, I had a very difficult time narrowing down my choices, but I finally settled on nine images to send. Yes, nine. I could NOT narrow it down any more than that. In the end, Cheryl chose the perfect one - a shot taken on my birthday this fall, when my husband and I took our girls on a breathtakingly gorgeous hike along Lake Catherine. I will always remember that bright, happy morning.... The infectious giggles I heard as our girls scampered along the trails...The vibrant autumn leaves spiraling through the fall breeze.... And most poignantly, the feeling of absolute gratitude for two of the best gifts anyone could ever wish for...

While I was thrilled at the opportunity for my girls to grace the cover of the C.P.O. brochure, I was also blessed with the chance to share part of our adoption story, which I named "A Little Room for Hope". It begins on page six...my first publication! Here is the link to the C.P.O. mailing:

http://www.crisispregnancyoutreach.org/pdf/CPOFall2011_final.pdf

Happy November!

adoption (n.) - when you grow in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy [kilgore]

i had the honor of doing a shoot with the kilgore fam a day before a wonderfully momentous occasion: the adoption finalization of their second child, anna cate. i met mom, selina, over five years ago. i remember having a brief conversation with her about adoption, and she mentioned that she and her husband ben had always felt led toward the process, and she asked a few questions about our situation with lucy. a few years passed, and i ran into selina at the park. there she was, chasing a gorgeous, cherubic, vivacious blue-eyed blond named cole. she explained that they were in the process of adopting this precious boy, and selina was simply glowing. there is no other way to describe it, and i was, of course, delighted for her. when i discovered a short time later that they were in the process of adopting cole's little sister, anna cate, i was doubly thrilled! i so enjoyed my morning with this family. i was with them for over two hours, and i don't think mom & dad ever stopped smiling. and when i first walked into their downtown bungalow and spied anna cate in her pink seersucker dress, i felt a little lump in my throat.

five years ago, my little lucy sat in an an almost identical summer frock, awaiting her hearing. as you can imagine, the finalization day brings with it a multitude of emotions, from elation to relief ... to perhaps a tinge of trepidation. our hearing took place in the state of lucy's birth, oklahoma, when she was six months old. even though every aspect of our adoption situation went smoothly, i still had that nagging "what if" feeling floating around in the back of my brain somewhere during those waiting months.

on the day we finally entered the old courthouse in downtown bartlesville, we had a private courtroom waiting for us. my husband and i sat at an old mahogany table, nervously shuffling little lucy back and forth between us, trying to avoid looking back at our audience of friends and family that had trudged through our seven year journey with us. i knew one glance would have me melting into a puddle of tears reminiscent of a scene from" the wizard of oz". my dad was our attorney, and the first thing he did was put my husband on the witness stand. i must say we were not expecting this. i wish i had a picture of poor shane's color-drained face as he was being sworn in, facing the judge, about to be questioned under oath by his father-in-law! have you seen "meet the parents"? anyway, there he sat in the witness seat with our baby in his lap, awaiting his questioning. and for those of you that know my dad, you know he has the orneriest cheshire cat grin in washington county. looking back, this HAD to be a tad intimidating. thankfully, my dad took it easy on shane, and kept it light, funny and to the basics. however, for those of you that know my husband, you know he has a tendency to shed tears with the ease of any soap opera star. (sorry, honey, but i think we both know that's no secret....). i think he cried throughout the majority of his testimony. he wasn't the only one, though. echoes of sniffles bounced from the wood paneled walls as our daughter was officially "lucy mame LADUKE".

in honor of the occasion, i wrote a book for her, "an angel called lucy". in it, i explained her adoption story through rhyming lines and basic illustrations peppered with little pictures of our family and her birthmom. the cover and a couple of pages are at the beginning of this post, and the words of her book are at the end. i wanted to share for many reasons. i believe it's vitally important & healthy for our family to keep an open dialogue about our adoption chronicles. i want to erase the mystery. i want her to not only be aware of, but proud of, her story. and her story is pretty cool. not only did two people pray for her and wait for her for many long years, but one person loved her enough to make an unfathomable sacrifice. lucy's birthmom, liz, loved lucy more than she loved herself. she loved her enough to give her a home with a mom and a dad. people often ask, "are you going to tell her she's adopted?" they are always a bit shocked when i tell them it's her favorite story. of course, it's mine too...

here's to a happily ever after at the kilgore bungalow. i think their expressions in the first shot say it all...

"an angel called lucy"

long long ago on a warm summer day,

two people met to ride bikes and play.

they soon fell in love and shared a few kisses,

and the very next summer they were mr. and mrs.

happy happy were they but their hearts felt a tug.

they wanted a baby to cuddle and hug.

so they dreamed and they planned through sun, rain & snow,

while they waited & watched for their baby to grow.

the days turned to weeks, then to months, then to years.

their hopes and their wishes were turning to tears.

but God had a plan and told them, "please don't be sad.

i promise one day you'll be a mom and a dad".

great news finally came with the ring of a phone

and a voice that said, "you'll soon have a girl of your own!"

the call came from a birthmom, and their hearts skipped a beat.

her name was elizabeth and soon they would meet.

liz had made a decision that was selfless & brave.

a family she'd make and a life she would save.

they traveled to tulsa to meet liz face to face.

they all shed a few tears and shed an embrace.

weeks later the couple was in tulsa again,

in the hospital awaiting their new lives to begin.

their adorable baby they could not wait to see,

but it took twelve long hours to shake her angel wings free!

at 9:20 that night, the couple's hearts about burst

as they proudly watched liz hold their baby girl first.

the new little angel now needed a name...

her wings fluttered softly as she was call lucy mame.

at last they were handed their baby to hold.

they were so thankful to watch God's plan unfold!

this mom and dad knew that from there ever after,

their home would be filled with smiles and laughter.

so we loaded up the car, daddy, you and me,

and we drove home to hot springs as a family of three!

the end. coming soon: "ruthie: the sequel"....

adoption (n.) - when you grow in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy

books for baby....

after my little lulu's birth in oklahoma, we were unable to take her home to arkansas after her release from the hospital. we had to wait until an interstate adoption compact passed through the legal system, which generally takes a few weeks. we settled in at my parent's house, in my little home town of bartlesville, to wait for the adoption red tape to peel.

although it was not your traditional baby homecoming, it was a truly magical time. it was the week of christmas, and all my old oklahoma friends, and my parent's friends i'd known since birth, stopped by to catch up, and of course to meet our early christmas gift. everyone who visited brought a little treasure for her...from monogrammed blankets & silver spoons to a pair of tiny hot pink ostrich cowgirl boots. every present was so touching in its own way. one gift in particular was so perfectly personal that i wanted to share it.

one evening, some old family friends were scheduled to stop by. we go way back, as my dad and mr. king have been law partners for decades, and i babysat their three precious boys many moons ago. mrs. king is an incredibly talented artist, and my parents have some of her gorgeous paintings proudly displayed throughout their home. i was delighted to open their present to lucy. the kings had compiled a collection of children's books that had been their all-time family favorites. inside each book was a beautifully written message to lucy explaining whose favorite it was and why. after opening up the first few covers, i found myself fighting back tears. i had a sudden vision of lucy and me, sitting in the rocker, reading our books together. i guess it suddenly hit me - this was really happening. she was really here. i was finally going to read "goodnight moon" to our daughter!

the books' pages are a bit dog-eared now, as they have become some of our family favorites, and lucy loves to hear the messages written to her five short years ago. it truly was the ideal gift: sweet, simple, personal & everlasting....my very favorite kind.

a little room for hope...

i wrote about this room a few years back [below]. at the time, i was feeling nostalgic about saying goodbye to the nursery that i had lovingly pieced together during the long wait for "THAT call" - the call that would finally make us parents.  ten years ago, putting together our nursery served as a source of hope for me as we played the adoption waiting game. this past summer, the room that began as an office and morphed into a nursery, became a big-kid playroom. today, the walls and furniture have fresh coats of big-kid gray, big-kid games and toys fill the shelves and a flat screen tv and big-kid furniture take the place of the rocker and crib.  the room that was once a  quiet spot of solace for me is now a space for board games and barbies, wii dance and disney movies, and it makes my heart so very happy. a 9' by 11'  reminder that some dreams really do come true...
the more my one-year-old billygoat hones her climbing skills, the closer she gets to moving to a big girl bed. i think most moms find the crib-to-big-kid-bed transition rather bittersweet. it's a milestone that forces us sentimental moms to recognize the passage of time, and oh my how these baby years fly by! i decided to take some photographs of our little nursery as it looks now, not only for me, but for my girls to enjoy down the road.

putting the nursery together was quite unique task for me as an adopting mom. i have to begin with the morning i decided to transform our office into a baby room. when we moved to hot springs several years ago, we had already been through years of unsuccessful infertility treatments. i was determined to resume that battle upon our move to hot springs. i thought that as soon as we settled into our new house, new neighborhood, new little town, i'd begin the search for a new doctor. i went to bed one sunday night, with arkansas doctor research at the top of monday's "to do" list. but early that next morning, i had a dream so vivid that it still gives me chills when i think about it. i had a dream that we had adopted a baby girl, and that she was sleeping soundly in the next room. the dream was so real that i got out of bed, half sleep-walked in there and flipped on the light. i blinked a couple of times, but alas...only an office. i sat down at the desk, and the next step i needed to take was so, so clear. i rubbed the sleep from my eyes, and scratched the first item off the list on my desk. i called my husband who had gone to work early that morning: "hello?"... "hey - i think it's time to look into adoption."... "ummmmmm - okay...". i don't know if he really heard me, or if he was just really busy, but either way i began the search for an adoption agency that very morning. i realize it sounds strange that we had not considered this option during seven long years of infertility, but when we were trying desperately to have a biological child, the suggestion of adoption just kind of -- stung somehow.  i can't explain it, but it just was not an option. for some reason that dream flipped the switch for me. you know: one of god's not-so-subtle nudges in the right direction...

the search for an adoption agency proved exhausting and extensive, with many obstacles and money-hungry scoundrels along the way. i began researching in early october, and finally found and registered with crisis pregnancy outreach several months later. during those daunting months of wait, wonder, and worry, i kept faith that no matter where the journey would take us or how long it would prove to be, there would be a baby in our arms at the end of it. that is the cool thing about adoption. with that refreshing resolution, i finally gave myself permission to dream - to hope - and most freeing of all....plan for a baby! it's a strange thing though. when you are waiting to be chosen by a birthmother, you don't have any idea what kind of timeline you are working with. it could take years, or it could happen over night! you don't have doctor's appointments to mark the time and progress. you don't devour every page of "what to expect when you're expecting" to discover each stage of the little pea pod. you don't walk around babies-r-us with your hubby happily pointing the cool little registry gun at bumbos and boppies. your friends aren't planning showers. on the contrary, it feels as if you are attending showers for everyone you know. in fact, i think every female in the tri-state area was pregnant during this time. during one visit to walmart, i counted 58 pregnant girls, not including the two smoking out front on their break...

i hesitantly began putting a nursery together, and it quickly became a much needed source of comfort. in the absence of the traditional pregnancy and all that goes with those nine months, the nursery was a physical reminder that a baby was in my future too! we had recently been given two small oil paintings of our beloved dogs, a yellow lab and a dalmatian, painted on red canvases. i hung those on the wall and went from there.  i at least had a start. as i explored my new town, i discovered some funky flea markets, quaint antique stores & estate sales. i found an old dresser that would be a perfect size for a changing table - i just had to look past the putrid yellow paint and dated pulls. i found old chipped bookshelves at another market, and a 1950's telephone table that had a strange ivy design all over it. my friend handed down a darling rocker with a denim slip cover and an old brown crib. with each little piece, i dared to hope a bit more. my dream of being a mom was symbolically solidifying with every find. i found the perfect shade of cream paint for the furniture, and i had to smile when i noticed the name of it: "baby's breath". i painted and antiqued the dresser, crib & bookshelves. i painted a quote from a children's poem on the wall. an antique wooden crate became a toybox. i covered the telephone table and an old peg board in a bright shade of red. as i moved the hand-me-down rocker into the room, i peeked under the slipcover. it was covered in a beautiful cream fabric! i found a tiny ottoman to recover and place by the rocker. each time i scoured my little haunts around town, i would pick up a few children's books - the bookshelves were filling up slowly with little golden book classics and dr. seuss hardbacks. when i found a 1930's dalmatian lamp  to sit on top of the shelves, the room was finally complete.

i had begun the collection of nursery items in the spring, and by the following fall, our office had been completely transformed. i did have quite a few ... ummmm...comments along the way. well-meaning friends would say, "how can you walk by that empty nursery all the time?"..."doesn't it make you sad to look in there?" ..."i could never put together a nursery if i didn't have a baby on the way!" and so on.  but they couldn't understand - it was a little spot of solace, peace and reflection for me. this year of waiting for a birthmom to "choose" us seemed even longer than those seven grueling years of infertility. i would sit in that rocker and pray for the birthmom that would be or already was carrying our baby. in mid-november, we finally got that call. our baby girl was to be born in a matter of weeks! the entire time i had been preparing that room, god had already created our little miracle, lucy. for many months, her sweet birthmom, liz, had been struggling alone to make ends meet & struggling with the realization that she wouldn't be able to provide the life she had dreamed of for her child. it still brings me to tears when i think about it: as i sat in our nursery praying for liz, liz sat in her apartment praying for the courage to make the most difficult decision of her life.

it's been five years since i brought lucy home to her little bitty room that used to be an office. countless times i've rocked lucy, and now our baby ruthie, in that rocker where i used to sit alone. i still pray for liz, and now ruthie's birthmom, hallie, as i sit there. it would be impossible to express our gratitude for them in mere words. they helped us create this family --- this family of four.

today there are a few "ruthie" additions to the nursery, but it's otherwise stayed the same. it will be quite a sad day when the space is turned back into an office. i know i'll have to dig out these photographs every once in awhile, and thank god once again for my little answered prayers.

baby ryan

Not flesh of my flesh,
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You did not grow under my heart,
But in it.

this was an extra special shoot for me. if you live in the garland county area, you are probably familiar with "miss kasey from the library". miss kasey has led countless kids through books, songs and art projects over the past several years. visiting our children's library has always been a special outing

for lucy and me, and now ruthie enjoys it too. lucy's eyes light up when she sees miss kasey, and they always exchange smiles and hugs before lucy scampers off to the doll house. a couple of years ago on one of our library visits, kasey greeted lucy with the usual, but i detected something else behind that big smile. kasey told me she had a couple of questions for me. it was then that we had our first conversation about the frightening, roller coaster, unpredictable, not-for-the-faint-of-heart but miraculous-in-the-end world of adoption. i recognized the look in her eye, as i had walked in her shoes a few years before. it's difficult, impossible really, to describe the emotions that accompany the realization that adoption is the only answer to a future with children. it's a discouraging, lonely, confusing and expensive road - and there is really no other way to explain it. but here was sweet little kasey, the hint of tears in her eyes, telling me that she and her husband had decided to pursue adoption but didn't really know where to start. i told her that the very best thing about making the decision to adopt is that in the end, you WILL have a baby in your arms. it could be tomorrow, or it could be three years from now, but it will happen. i saw a tiny bit of anxiety melt away. during the next few months we talked about the grueling task of running the adoption gauntlet. first comes the homestudy where you and your spouse undergo hours of in-depth interviews, home inspections, background checks, fbi finger printings , medical exams etc. etc. we talked about the portfolio that is basically your entire life condensed into words and pictures. the birthmom chooses the adoptive parents based on those words and pictures. imagine...your future family hinges on a few pages......

over the next year and a half, i would get updates from kasey. we would discuss the latest roadblocks & frustrations. i would always tell her that even though it feels like it's never going to happen, it will happen, and it could happen tomorrow.

i also told her when it finally happened for us, my husband and i immediately realized that God had the perfect family planned for us all along. i'm not saying that we didn't have faith during the process. it's just that looking back at five long years of trying to have a baby the old fashioned way, then a few more years overcoming the pitfalls and obstacles of adoption, it's so clear that God created Lucy & Ruthie for our family. and i would not change one second of our journey. not one. the circumstances and timing surrounding both adoptions were nothing less than miraculous. ask me about the details sometime. but bring some tissues. i've never gotten through either story without waterworks. if my husband is there, bring a whole box....

anyway, a couple months passed after our last conversation at the library. then kasey and her husband paul got a phone call. THE phone call. not only had they been chosen by a birthmother, but they were to pick up their baby boy the very next morning!!

precious baby ryan had been home a couple of weeks when i had the privilege of doing a shoot with him. kasey & paul are such adoring, adorable parents. it was simply amazing to witness their peaceful, natural bond with the baby that God created for them. and as i watched the three of them, i said a silent prayer of thanks for this blessed new family, and for ryan's birthmother, and my daughter's birthmothers, who had the wisdom and somehow found the strength to seek different futures for their babies. they are selfless. they are brave. and our families are blessed beyond our wildest dreams because of them. excuse me while i wipe tears from my eyes....and my keys....
thank you for a lovely morning, kasey, paul & baby ryan! what a precious trio!